THEY DON'T CALL IT LABOR FOR NOTHING

DD,

I'm so wiped out. Totally exhausted, emotionally, physically, every way. Sherah had her baby, William Wayne Ware, Jr., last night. I got to be there for the delivery. She called me at 2 a.m. Wednesday morning and said she was going to the hospital. Her pains were five minutes apart. I met her down at Kaiser Hospital and waited in the delivery room with her and Billy. Having a baby in the hospital now is a lot different than when Sherah was born. Mine was pretty antiseptic. Sherah's room was large with homey chairs and pictures. The TV had a VCR.

I never thought I'd get to be in the room with her when she gave birth to BillyBob. But when I found out I could and Sherah wanted me to, I jumped on it. As I waited with her during her contractions, it began to occur to me that I had never seen anyone in labor before. I never had labor during my two. Seeing it all first hand for the first time and it being my daughter who is one giving birth… it was hard to watch. We both have a low tolerance for pain. It really tore me up to have to watch her be in so much pain for such a long period of time. Such a fine line between how much pain can be born and how the pain medication can begin affecting the delivery.

I could have never handled that much physical pain. Billy stood by her all the way. Well, except for a moment or two while watching "Small Soldiers" on TV. It makes me feel somewhat less anxious knowing my beloved daughter is so loved by her husband. Billy's mother, Sharon, was there too as Sherah began dilating more. She's a nurse there and helped me so much in understanding all the details. I feel better knowing what a kind mother-in-law Sherah has, especially since Sherah has to live with them until they can afford to get their own place.

I stepped out about 4:30 p.m. and went home to wait for John to come home. I stopped by See's and bought two boxes of chocolate cigars, one for me and one for Sherah. We ate at Dairy Belle. All the time I had an odd feeling like I had to get back to the hospital. While we were eating, John got a 911 page.

I hauled ass back to the hospital thinking that Sherah had suddenly given birth. When I got to her room, they said it would only be about 20 more minutes and then Sherah was going to start pushing. I was clueless until I watched it for myself. Here's my baby so scared. I couldn't tell here what was going to happen. The only comfort I could give here was that so many women had done this before, so despite the physical awfulness of it, somehow it must be bearable.

As there were seven other delivery room,s I had already heard the screams of women around me, and I hated that it seemed Sherah would scream too. It would have easier for me to have taken the pain. Thank God Sharon was there. She explained to Sherah exactly what was going on, how to breathe, what was going to happen next. I had been afraid I might faint or something stupid, but I was able to watch after awhile. I was so sorry my modest daughter had to be exposed like that with everyone watching, but she said fuck it, she just wanted to get this over with.

At 7:05 p.m. BillyBob was born. The had to cut her twice because he was so big (8lbs 14oz) and it was so bloody. But BillyBob's face was so purple. As I comforted Sherah, Billy and Sharon went to look at BillyBob. It turned out he was having difficulty breathing. Sharon was responsible for getting a pediatrician in to look at BillyBob immediately. I tried to keep Sherah distracted and tell her that they had to clean him up, warm him up. She said this was the happiest day of her life. She was beautiful in spite of everything. And she said at the last, it didn't even hurt.

They let Sherah hold BillyBob for a minute before they took him to intensive care. I watched my baby give her baby his first kiss. So very touching. He has her eyes which are my eyes and our prehensile toes.

I worried because I heard the doctor say Sherah was bleeding more than she should and she had a fever. I don't know what I was expecting when I thought of Sherah giving birth. I guess I thought more about AFTER Sherah gave birth.

I am so humbled by my daughter's strength, generosity, and courage. She's such a good kid. I went home and slept like the dead. No question of going to work today. I called her this morning and she said BillyBob would have to be in intensive care for a week and she was very sore. I told her I'd be there in a little while. On the way to the hospital, I got here a perfume/soap/lotion set. I thought a girl who's leaking and bleeding everywhere likes a little something to feel fresh.

Poor baby was so tired, but I hated seeing the helpless and scared feeling on her face. I think the hardest part of being a mother is when you're freaking out inside, but you have to put on this positive face and say those positive things that a daughter needs to hear a mother say without giving away the fact of how scared you are. So hard. I'm not sure how well I carry it off. I try not to be so self-centered that my own fear keeps me from being the strong one. I draw on every positive thing I KNOW.

I let my weakness out here so that I won't do it in front of Sherah. I'm just really tired. I worked 55 hours the week before; 61 hours this week. I had just worked 12 hours the night Sherah called.

I called Mama to let her know about BillyBob. She had just come back with Dordy who had fallen out of her wheel chair and broke her shoulder. She's also forgotten how to sit now. It's only a matter of time before Mama has to put her in a nursing home. And she still has Jack to take care of. He's excited about being a great-great-grandfather. With all this going on, Mama gives me strength, which may be the thing she does the best. It's a quality that often gets overlooked.

Maybe tomorrow I'll stay home and draw something, collage something, give myself some time.

GrandmaShell