I've had a picture in my mind that has struggled to stay alive until I could get the time to make a collage of it. When I went to do it on paper, it was incomplete. Then I sat down at the computer and scanner and voila! my very first computer collage, Sunflower.

The story behind it is after one particularly strained morning at work (my javascript rollovers didn't line up and the site was going live momentarily and the creative director was freaking out and I was close to my period and I had worked until 3:30 a.m. and then came in at 9:00 a.m. and . . .), I escaped outside. I had on my sunglasses so that people couldn't tell I was crying. I looked for a place to hide among the concrete and marble and reflecting glass and towering buildings and giant shadows of planes flying low overhead. I found a square of concrete with yellow flowers growing in the center. I picked one of the flowers and held it close. I concentrated on that flower for several minutes until my cracked composure returned.

The picture is also symbolic of the way I feel about personal homepages. I know the nature of the Web is changing, ecommerce is hot shit right now (someone's makin money), but as I cruise through my fem • mass'rs personal homepages, I feel myself comin back home. Away from 24/7 commercial soul-suckin sites that only give a fuck about the buck, to the warmth of the very human personal homepages that shine. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

In the email I receive from my Black and Blue pages, the most common question I get asked is, "What happened to you and Sherah?" Today I answered that question with the addition of 20 Years Later.

Peace, y'all.

I have declared December to be Michelle's time to work on her personal homepage, and a freeing experience it is. I feel so indulgent.

You can't tell by looking at it, but I have been hard at it. The migration to www.grownmencry.com is almost complete. Just have my Web Page Retirement Home to bring across and I'll have all my little pages home safe and sound. Of course having to change ISPs AGAIN in the middle of migration did slow things down for a moment. Can you believe it, my former ISP dinged me $200 bucks last month for having too much traffic! And I'm small potatoes. Geeez. Needless to say, I'm getting better at knowing what questions to ask an ISP before signing up (i.e., how much transfer rate do you allow before charging extra). Will be doing research later this month and will publish my results.

On November 12th, I became a grandmother. Yes, I lived to tell about it. You can read all about my big adventure in my new Diary Moment entry: "They Don't Call It Labor For Nothing". Sherah-Bear and Cub are doing well.

Sadly, my beloved grandmother, Dordy, died last week of Alzheimers. I feel so fortunate to have had her for so long. I talked on the phone to Mama the other day. She said she was going through Dordy's things and found a letter from me that Dordy had kept for over 40 years. She was a special grandmother to me. Taught me so much. Love you always, Dordy.

I feel nervous about splitting Heartless's Holey Haven off on her own. Identity crisis. Will she stand on her own? I think so. LMichelle without Heartless? Does that mean LMichelle will be sexless? As The Webpage Turns, Days Of Our Webpage, All My Webpages. . .


FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 1998

Find myself thinking about mothers and children a lot lately. Been thinking about my Billy. Sherah's husband is a Billy. I think they're gonna name Bubba Billy too. Then Mama's name is Billye, Papa's name is Bill...lot of Billy's lately.

I was just figuring up how many days until Bubba is due - 40! Oooo, impending grandmotherhood. All I can say is that I'm glad it's her and not me. As much as I like being a mother, I hated being pregnant. One word: Aliens. And then the delivery was a real horror story--can you say not anesthesia (?) during a c-section? But Sherah's grown up listening to me bitch about that one. Makes her nervous for her own delivery, but I tell her I was the exception.

My baby's having a baby. Just makes me warm and fuzzy. I decided to have Sherah on my own. I was going through my I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar stage and I Don't Need No Stinkin Man To Have A Baby stage. It was tough, but it was good. Once my illusions were shot all to hell, then I got down to the nitty gritty of motherhood. Not being the maternal type, I discovered I was the maternal type.

I always loved calling Sherah by different nicknames. Sherah-Bear is my all-time favorite. But then there's Shaweenah, Schwinks, She-Rah My Princess of Power. The dogs call her Sher-Sher. And then I'm the kinda woman who enjoys making up her own lyrics to existing melodies. For instance, this is "Sherah's Song, The Baby Years" (actually I just sang this to her recently so she hasn't really outgrown it, and that's just one of the things that make Sherah so special). Sing this to the kinda tune of "If I Had A Hammer":

If I had a baby, I'd name her Sherah,
Because she's so pretty, and there's none fairer
Than my Sherah-Bear'r.

And then there's the "Sherah's Song, The Teenage Years" done to the tune of "Bermuda, Bahama, Come On Pretty Mama..." (Beach Boys):

Shaweenah, Shawubie,
She's a little cutie
With blonde hair
And boobies
She is such a beauty.

So, now I sit here and think what rhymes with Bubba.

Will be on a computer vacation for the next few days. Only permitted one hour of email (unless I get up before he does). Necessary to unplug for a bit as I've been pushing it with 18-hour days all in September and part of August. Gonna meet Sher for lunch at Chili's, gonna pick up honey-bunny and whip his ass at pool tonight while knocking back a shot or two of chilled Stoli's. Yee-haw! Yes, I amm a simple woman with simple tastes. Can life get any better?

"Dance as if no one is watching."


WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 23, 1998

I have been in Heartless mode all the way. Finished up The Heartless Penis Points Game. (Does anybody else out there play Queen of Egypt and the Slaveboy?) Also new at the Haven is Holey Developments so y'all can see what's new at Heartless's Holey Haven. And for those who love reading titles in table of contents, I've added The Hole Picture. Last, but not least, I've added my first installment of Pointless Parodies - Taming the Wild Penis. Can it be done? Should it be done? You won't find this one on the Discovery Channel. Holey Moley Stoli, am I cookin' or what?

Okay, Smokin Hotties, here I come! Then as my reward, I get to go searchin for Not Naked Men. Now where's my drool cup? I've been entirely too good for too long.

If you do webpages, then you're gonna want to check out the Web Standards Project is up to. I went to the WebGuild meeting (local chapter of Association of Internet Professionals) last week and listened to Glenn Davis (ProjectCool), Jeffrey Veen (Webmonkey), and Dan Shafer (CNET) explain why we need W3C compliant browsers. Personally I'm tired of the workarounds I have to come up with when making sure my pages are viewable on a bunch of different versions of different browsers. Keep your eye on this one.

BTW, I'm gonna be a grandmother in November. Can you believe it?!? Yes, my own Sherah-Bear is having her own little bear, which will make me a grand-bear and my honey will be a grand-Stik-bear, or something like it. Anyway, Stik and I are gonna call him Bubba. I don't know what Sherah and Billy are actually naming him yet, but he's Bubba to us already. Yes, I'm gonna redefine grandmotherhood and kick it up a few notches.

This is great. I really am having a blast with my pages, my life, my honey. Good to be alive today. I said in an earlier entry about how this had been the best year of my life. And it has been. It's been over a year or so since I received my gift of hope. You can't imagine, or maybe you can, thinking that you have to adapt to the idea of being depressed forever, forever vulnerable to "suicidal ideation" because of the constant wall-to-wall emotional pain. Then to suddenly have the world light up, peace, happiness, hope. I am still so humbled by the experience. It's still here with me, still burning. I have only to close my eyes and think about the hope and it comes. No words to describe the peace. And ever-optimist that I am, I wonder if some day it will go away and will I go back to that dark place. I don't know. But therešs a lot I donšt know. And I do have that slight bi-polar tendency in me. But that just makes me want to hold on to what I have now, to breathe it, to live it, to hug and love it. Because time could be short.

Good-bye FloJo. Thanks for your style.


TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 1998

Just a quick note: Just finished setting up Fun Stuff!. Check out the new 1999 Stupid Penis Tricks Calendar and straight from my Heartless Art Collection comes the RedHead T. And while you're there, don't forget to stop by Free Stuff! and pick up your Coupons O' Love.

Just celebrated my birthday. Yea! Just love birthdays. Sad to say good-bye to 45. It was such a great year, the best of my life. Makes me really look forward to living through 46.

Okay, enough chit-chat. Gotta go finish my Penis Points Game. How do I love you? Let me count the penis points. Mu-hahaha.

Y'all have a good one!


MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 1998

Here it is Labor Day and that's just what I've been doing - laboring away on Stupid Penis Tricks. Holey Moley Mama, SPT has now reached the Promised Land at www.grownmencry.com and is resting comfortably at Heartless's Holey Haven. Check out the latest tricks: Flower Power Penis, Cocktail Penis, Ruler Penis, Peter Gun, Chia Penis, Gear Shift Penis, Dicktator, Balloon Penis, and Catapenis. Most of these tricks can be seen at Other SPTs 1.

Also, I've made a dangerous new combination: animated Stupid Penis Tricks. Gonna have to be seen to be believed: Magic Hat, Jugglin Penis, Hoop Shooter, and Catapenis. To whet your appetite for humor is Chia Penis.

BTW Fresh Developments has also made the migration to www.grownmencry.com.

Let's see, what's next on the agenda. . . Fun Stuff. Yes, soon you'll be able to play my Fun Stuff games: Coupons O' Love, The Penis Points Game, and the Web Sex Scavenger Hunt and Crossword Puzzle. And I'll be discussing the ever lively topic, Taming the Wild Penis. Can you handle this much excitement?!?

Later gators!


TUESDAY, AUGUST 25, 1998

FYI - My hard drive, Elvis, crashed on Friday. And although I was able to resurrect him, I did lose all my files that resided there including all my email. I apologize to all those senders of email who will not be getting a response from me. Write back. Thanks for your patience.

After receiving several emails saying they got an error when clicking on the picts on my homepage, I've now uploaded the entire jpeg of each pict. Makes a weird kind of abbreviated bio.

Well, back to Stupid Penis Tricks. Here's a preview of the new entry page.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 20, 1998

I've been working on my webpages all month, but nothing you can see yet. The migration of Heartless's is a complicated piece of work. This month I've also been celebrating being in business a year. And what a great way to celebrate - I picked up my 1999 Stupid Penis Tricks Calendar from the printers (they look great!) and made my first sale. Sometime the timing on life is so good.

I got a new scanner today and so was able to scan in my pict from my badge from work. I put the new pict up on my homepage. Aren't I the happy camper?

SATURDAY, JULY 11, 1998

Took a break from drawing penises (such a tough job) and put up a temporary doorway into Makes Grown Men Cry.

I'll begin spring-cleaning my Heartless's Holey Haven links after taking the calendar to the printer. I'm excited about the new material that will be appearing in my Pearls Of Wisdom, lining up great guest writers even as we speak.

Also coming, or at least breathing hard, will be some new links to fill out my Smokin' Links page. Yes, out there beatin the bushes, but it's not an easy task. . . click-through hell.

I find that my idea for Car-Ma will not pan out at the moment. I tried the voice-activated recorder, but find I am a thinker of thoughts and not a sayer of words while driving. Speaking of. . .just got back from showing my daughter, Sherah, how to drive a stick shift. She's now a 21-year old married lady who's expecting a baby boy in November. When she was about 16 and wanted to drive, I told her that if she waited until she was 18, she could get her nose pierced. At 18, I tried teaching her how to drive, but after a fatal collision with someone's rubber tree plant and the Trans Am sitting in the driveway (Mom, I couldn't find the brake), we gave it up. For her birthday this year, amid much cheering, her in-laws gave her a coupon for official driving lessons, and a few weeks later she was able to get her license. So, the last obstacle was the stick shift. I'm happy to report that we drove down that same road, turned the same corner, and lived to tell the story. Yea!!!

And speaking of pierced noses, after that fad passed, it was "I've got to get a tattoo." And she did - a series of vines and flowers around her stomach. It survived her appendectomy nicely, but it's interesting seeing it grow as Sherah-Bear's stomach grows.

On the back-burner: In the Middle of Love. Yes, I've been at the beginning of love and at the end of love many times. But now, I've settled in a long-term relationship for the first time and have run across the phenomenon of being in the middle of love. I'm curious as to what's lost, what's gained, and (optomist that I am) how to enjoy it before the other shoe drops.

Now occupying the land of www.grownmencry.com are fem • massers, Michelles, and my homepage. Next--the Heartless invasion. Oooo, are you scared? Heartless's Holey Haven meets www.grownmencry.com...sounds like a perfect fit. Mu-hahaha! Yes, I've been feeling Heartless rattle her tail and it's time to let her out. And, the worst part is that I've got to go out there and search for not naked men. I know. The things I do for my webpage. But I see a summer theme possibly: cabana boy, lifeguard, water slide supervisor.

True, I'll be slaving over a hot computer drawing stupid penis tricks all weekend, but, I ask myself, is that really a bad thing?


SUNDAY, JUNE 28, 1998

The Michelles have landed! Yes, the headquarters for the Michelles Web Domination Campaign is now firmly established at www.grownmencry.com. New Michelles added to Michelles Of The Web are Michelle Crowe, Michelle Lauren Kahan, Michelle Vetter, Michelle Fischer, Michelle "Shelly" Lamb, Michelle Blassengale, Michelle, Michelle, and Michelle Parson. And Mishell Jennison joined Michelles Who Don't Spell Their Names Right.

New Michelle stories are being told by those Michelles without a webpage at Grounded Eagles. See what's it's like to be able to pick out your own Michelle name at the age of five, or being named Michelle because that's the song that was on the radio in the cab as your parents were rushing to the hospital, or how your grandfather always called you Chelle-Bug. These are some of the stories being told by Michy, Michele, Michelle Tarrant, and Michelle Weslie

There are some fantastic Michelles out there who have sent along their contribututions for Spreading the M-Word. It's insidious how we're slipping Michelle into our everyday conversation. Mu-hahaha! Some of the Michelle-isms from Stephanie (Michelle Wannabe and Honorary Michelle), Michelle Meltzer, Hannah Michelle, Sid (first male Honorary Michelle). Michelle Cavalier, Michelle M., Michelle, Mishell Jennison, and Michelle Parson are:

Too Michelle-d to party.
Don't count your Michelles before they hatch.
Michelle flies when you're having fun.
A Michelle is a terrible thing to waste.
Songs: When Michelle's Eyes Are Smiling
TV Shows: Michelle the Teenage Witch
Soap Operas: As The Michelle Turns
Broadway Shows: Michelle of the Opera

Now, back to finishing up the 1999 Stupid Penis Tricks Calendar!


MONDAY, JUNE 15, 1998

The migration continues over to the land of www.grownmencry.com. Today Rev Five of The Personal Homepage of LMichelle landed safely. I was in the mood for something lighter.

I'm in the middle of spring-cleaning the links at Michelles Of The Web, cleaning out the email, and tying up loose ends before turning it on tomorrow for the 1999 Stupid Penis Tricks Calender.

I've been considering upgrading my HTML coding to 4.0 and using Cascading Style Sheets, but decided to hold off until more people have 4.0 browsers. I wish there was a browser that left the HTML alone. During my investigation, I did run across a few good links to get started:

• The CSS Mill (test out cascading style sheets here to see what it will look like)
• W3C's Cascading Style Sheets (a lot of info)
• HTML Validator (see if your webpages are HTML 4.0 compliant)
• HTML 4.0 Specifications (what's new in tags, what's going bah-bye)
• Bobby (free service of CAST that will analyze single webpages for accessibility to people with disabilities)

Last but not least, contain your excitement but I'm working on the 1999 Stupid Penis Tricks Calendar even as we speak.


WEDNESDAY, JUNE 3, 1998

Did a few updates on my fem • mass pages. Am happy to report that fem • mass was chosen as ProjectCool Sighting Of The Day. Thanks Glen, Teresa, and Edna. One small step for fem • mass, one big step for personal homepages.

I got to see me being interviewed on The Internet Cafe this weekend. After living in California for 18 years, I still have my southern accent. Well, it's a part of me and who I am; I just forget I have it sometimes until I hear myself say things like, "No, thank EWE." Which reminds me of a sign I saw while standing in line at the Whattaburger in Russellville, Arkansas: (two sheep) "Ewe's not fat, ewe's just fluffy." Sounds like a webpage to me.


SATURDAY, MAY 30, 1998

Is is it Saturday or what? The wind chimes are chimin, the flowers are blooming, allergies have kicked in big time, Stik has gone to pick up hamburgers and fries and videos...I'm in heaven.

It's been a great day for flying. My fem • mass pages have migrated to our new home at Makes Grown Men Cry. Have a look at the transitional page.

Now to answer my email!

p.s. One whine limit here: emailers, thank you so much for writing. I'll be catching up soon. Promise.

Yes, I'm feelin mighty sassy today.


MONDAY, MARCH 30, 1998

Had to say bah-bye to my Heartless Holes. So sad, but not enough time to maintain my Heartless's Holey Haven mailiing list.

I'm having a crisis of webpage. My personal homepage has been a source of strength and a freedom of expression through lots of hard times. I miss working on it, answering my email. I miss coming up with new ideas for it.

I did have my "Temping For Dollars" webpages up, but it seems talking about work on personal webpages does not go over well with work. I am no longer hired by a particular agency due to, I feel, my webpage content. Lessons learned. To protect the sanctity of my homepage/my real life, I will not give out my URL to anyone I work with. It's like having a dirty little secret life. So be it. Fuck 'em.


SUNDAY, MARCH 15, 1998

Finally, my latest project is completed, my very first Stupid Penis Tricks The T-Shirt, TZILLA! Yes, hot off the press and sprung just in time for spring. Boy, this working, running a business, doing webwork, keeping up with the family, the pets, my sanity is a plateful. But I'm thankful I got a plate.


SATURDAY, MARCH 14, 1998

Today is my son's birthday. "Billy" is 19 today. I haven't seen him since he was born, but I think of him everyday. Hopefully, one day I will be able to hug him for the first time. Until then, Billy, happy birthday and your mama loves you very much.


WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 1998

Holy mother of Michelle, I've been having a Michelluva day. Yes, finally, a free day to update my Michelles. Newly added to Michelles Of The Web are Michelle Lamb, Michelle Keenan, and Michelle. Also, played "As The Michelle Turns" and updated Michelle Steiner's comment area. It's Michelle lives being lived.

Also added a few more Michelles Not Of The Web in my Grounded Eagles area. Welcome Michelle Smith, Michelle Miller, Michelle Boudreau, and Michelle! The Michelle stories these Michelles can tell.

And if that's not enough Michelle for you, we got Michelles out there spreading the M-Word. Thanks Michelle Ravary, Michelle Wynne, Michelle Bransom, and Michelle for your lively contributions. Some of the new Michelle-isms are:
To boldly go where no Michelle has gone before.
Kiss my Michelle!
The Michelle giveth, the Michelle taketh away.

And, of course, I have to add: Blow it out your Michelle.

May the Michelle be with you! Hep me mama, I've been Michelle'd!


TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 1998

In between temp assignments right now and so have been able to get a little webwork done and email answered. On January 30th, the fearless members of the STP Testing Committee and Dance Troupe and I got together at Spoon's in Sunnyvale, our favorite place to hold meetings in '98. Over beer and fajitas, the weiner of January's Stupid Penis Tricks Contest was chosen. See it for yourself at the SPT Hall O' Fame, Penis Of Fortune.

Say bah-bye to the SPT Contest. Bye-bye, so long, farewell. It's sad. It's true. I just don't have time. Working on my webpages has become a luxury. Working a necessity. Maybe it's just a matter of finding the balance.